Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?