Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
それは草