Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey