dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.