In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Hell yeah 👍
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date