I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes