I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”