Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
#math
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: