Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Xylophonist Shredding It
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
titanic
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-