Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?