@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

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@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@IamJackBoot

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@upsidedowntrash

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@robin_991

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.