Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.