I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Happy Halloween 🎃
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Monday
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.