Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank