The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant