Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Dolls on drugs
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie