When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Oh my God.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn