Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.