ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…