[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.