[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.