H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
The “baby” on the left….
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.