Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You Might Also Like
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)