Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way