“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Writing, She Murdered.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.