Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
my one true gender
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
it must be school picture day
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”