My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles