RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The Backseat Boys
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me