My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.