Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
This meeting could have been a cake
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.