me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?