[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My favorite female superhero
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?