[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!