Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again