[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
You Might Also Like
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.