Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
It was worth a shot 😂
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie