If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me trying to reach for my goals
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
no!! no!!!!!!
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.