I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
good work, detective
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??