The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”