This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’