I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.