Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Nice try, NASA
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My blood type is coffee.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Sharon, call the vet
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.