*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
You Might Also Like
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.