Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]