The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You Might Also Like
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.