One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
You Might Also Like
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.