My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
A game married people play.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”