Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries