when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
i would wish you the best but i am the best
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.