car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Rt to bother an English speaker
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.