Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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they really do be looking like this
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!